How to Camp in a Campground

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Has anyone seen the tent stakes?

Its summer time, and nothing says summer like packing up and heading out into the woods. The following is a guide to help make sure you and all your friends have a great time.

First of all, never plan ahead. Summer is more fun when you’re being spontaneous! If your significant other is less keen on spontaneity, thats ok. Let them call the campground on your way there, it will help them feel better. No sites available? On to the next campground! You didn’t spend three hours packing this minivan for nothing.

Now that your significant other has called and reserved a campsite eighty miles from your current location, its time to get everyone really excited about the weekend! Be sure to set unrealistically high expectations about how much beer you will drink, how many fish you will catch and about how the beauty of nature will bring you all closer together.

The best time to arrive at a campground is right before the office closes. Go ahead and walk in even if the “Closed” sign is hanging in the door. This way you will have the undivided attention of the girl at the front desk. If she looks annoyed, calling her a condescending name like “gorgeous” or “darling” is guaranteed to get her back on your good side! When she reminds you that all pets need to be leashed, be sure to crack a joke about keeping your kids and/or friends on a leash. There’s no way she’ll have heard that one before!

Once you arrive at your site, its time to get your tent set up. Recruit you entire group for this great bonding activity! Now, it says on this diagram there’s supposed to be four poles. This must be a typo since there’s only three poles in the bag. Argue about this with your partner and/or friends until it gets dark.

Now its time to get a fire going. Most campgrounds have firewood for sale, but be sure no one brings any cash. There’s no time like the present to tally how much change you have in your car’s cup holder. Once the firewood has been purchased its time to strike up a blaze!

Return to the office to purchase fire starter.

By now the ice in your cooler should have melted enough to get all your food nice and soggy. Don’t worry about not being able to wash your hands after handling all that dairy and raw meat, you’re outside! Everything is healthier outside. Its also a well known fact that you don’t need to eat as much outside, which is how you will comfort your hungry friends/kids when most of the hot dogs fall off the grill and into the fire. Move on quickly to the s’mores, which are just as nutritional. Everything is healthier outside!

It is imperative that everyone wake up early the next morning. You only have this site for the weekend, and its up to you to make sure the group cram’s as much fun into the next 24 hours as possible. Fishing is always better at sunrise so be sure to get everyone out on the water by 5:30am. Is it raining? Even better! Fish always bite when its raining.

After four hours of unsuccessful casting, complain loudly about how much better this place was when you were a kid while everyone else gets in the car and drives to the nearest town for a diner breakfast.

Don’t let your group fell into the trap of taking naps when you get back to camp. Its time to go hiking! Here is a list of motivating things you can say to encourage your group to pick up the pace:

  • Fresh air is good for the soul!
  • The steeper the trail, the better the view at the top!
  • Hiking builds character!
  • Isn’t this great!?

Head back to camp for dinner only to find that chipmunks have raided your entire food supply. Return to the diner in town for dinner.

Enjoy a sleepless night of tossing and turning due to bug bites, sunburn and, is that poison oak? There’s no need to get organized when you pack up to leave. Just throw everything into the trunk of the car and sort it out later. Stop by the sporting goods store on the way home to replace everything that you forgot to bring. It’s an investment for next time! Now why do you feel like you’ve said that before…?

4 thoughts on “How to Camp in a Campground

  1. Don’t forget -drinking at altitude doesn’t make you more drunk, fighting in a public campground at midnight adds to the adventure, hurling catfood like Linda Blair in the campground’s only restroom helps build community and goodwill between you and your fellow campers. True story.

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